What a difference a day makes

Oh gawd, I'm going through a sobriety flip-flop. I quit consuming substances a couple months ago. Last week I toyed with the idea of indulging in alcohol again. Well, Monday rolled around and I made up my mind. I tell myself it wasn't fair. I was convinced I had sex in my future if I could just drink a little. I was right. Alcohol really fuels the sex drive. Nothing gets a person into the mood quite like a chemically affected intimacy. And I told myself, no one likes to drink to fuck alone. And thus I was rewarded for drinking with sex. howza!

So then I decide this whole sobriety thing is for the birds. Why not just go back to what I've done, avoid going overboard, and see where that gets me? I've been sitting around with those thoughts today, and I've had a little trepidation over it. The fact is, I know where that takes me, and it's the place I've been bitching about for a long time now. Oh, why don't I ever write that novel? -or- I wish I could start a project and see it all the way through. -or- Why can't I get over my intimacy issues? I know this will eventually turn into -Why am I not in a relationship?

There's the rub. My most recent chemical binges were mandated by a need for personal buffer zones between me and the world. I couldn't possibly be in a relationship after the divorce. Even when I was technically in a relationship I still wasn't there. I presented a proxy of myself to this other and went about my business in my head. I'll tell you, the chemicals really aided this duality.

Last night I went out and drank. I had a few beers. It wasn't a big deal either way. Most of my encounters with alcohol go that way which seriously confuses the situation. I have all these scenarios where I can point to having drank without trying to fulfill a need in futility and tell myself I can do this. That's the thing. I can and I can't. As long as I have that crutch available I will *always* use it. What I need to do is break the circuit entirely. Clear out and see what it is to behave like a normal person for a couple years like I initially told myself I would.

So in any case, I was convinced that I was going to continue on the path of indulgence until tonight.
Tonight, I spoke with a good friend - well, worked with is really the phrase. I spent a lot of time in blissfully brutal honesty considering what it is that I'm really looking for when I drink and how I'm only achieving the opposite of what I want.

What sucks is that I just don't think I have the personal fortitude to continue to play rugby and remain sober. I feel bad about that. I feel like I'm missing out on something that I really wanted, but if I keep looking I see how rugby isn't all that great for me. I love my brain, and I am still feeling a bit dim after that shot to my jaw from last Saturday. Perhaps, it's better to bow out while I still have the ability to bend at the waist.

The one thing I want to impart to all those who read this blog is that I love you, big drinkers! I like being sober around you while you're drunk. I like hanging out with you anyway you are. You are great, and I have never felt uncomfortable not drinking in your presence. You are good fun! I'm not confused as to who has the chemical problem. That's all me, my babies, and I'm not into making my problems the problems of others. I guess this is really for Romeo's benefit. Kisses, babe!

I imagine I'll have some more spills, slips and slides as I check out this whole sobriety thing over the next couple years. Stay tuned.